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Thanks to a Freedom of Information Act request, we at the Center for Individual Freedom have been able to obtain exclusive documents from the White House related to the recent federal sequester cuts. In these documents, a member of the senior White House staff relays instructions for how Obama cabinet officials are to publicly portray the reductions in spending for their departments.

MEMO

FROM: Senior Staff

TO: Cabinet Secretaries

RE: Sequester Messaging

Dear cabinet secretary OR unpaid intern who opens cabinet secretary’s mail while he snorkels with solar industry lobbyists in the Caymans,

Unfortunately, recent weeks have revealed that the intractability of Republicans in Congress will likely lead to sweeping cuts to the federal budget as of March 1. Needless to say, forcing the federal government to subsist on $3.5 trillion dollars a year represents an unprecedented exercise in austerity. Preparations are even being made to drop unlimited texting from ObamaPhones.

Over the coming weeks, the messaging of this topic will be extremely important. It is imperative that we let the American people know – in unambiguous terms – how severe the threat is. At times, this may require you to take a message to the public that represents a slight exaggeration of the actual circumstances. This will be done in the interest of the greater good of the American people. Should you have ethical objections, consider yourself welcome to explore your opportunities outside of the Obama Administration. Ask Jon Huntsman how that works out – if you can get a hold of him between the Rotary Club events he’s keynoting.

What follows are Department-specific advisories on both the actual cuts you face and the threatened cuts that you should present to the public

Department of Justice

Threatened Cuts: Releasing federal inmates (feel free to make vague “Silence of the Lambs” references); Dropping prosecutions of violent criminals; Converting over to Soviet-style show trials to ease judicial backlog.

Actual Cuts: Halving “Just for Men” budget for Attorney General Holder’s mustache.

Department of Education

Threatened Cuts: Widespread teacher layoffs; Students forced to fashion own pencils out of lead slabs; Classes now held in forests full of starving wolves.

Actual Cuts: Teacher lounges forced to use Folger’s Crystals.

Department of Treasury

Threatened Cuts: Loosening of financial sector regulatory enforcement; Use of clamshells as dominant national currency; Firstborn children to be appropriated for bond collateral.

Actual Cuts: Cessation of construction of nine-foot Timothy Geithner marble nude for Treasury courtyard.

Department of State

Threatened Cuts: Reductions in embassy security; Removal of 8-15 stars on tabletop diplomatic flags; Abolition of NATO.

Actual Cuts: Secretary Kerry limited to two pastel ties.

Department of Health and Human Services

Threatened Cuts: Reduction in medical services for the chronically ill; Hospice care now provided by prisoners re-entering society; Reintroduction of leeches.

Actual Cuts: Flintstone’s chewable vitamins will no longer include Barney Rubble.

Department of the Interior

Threatened Cuts: Closure of national parks; cessation of Bigfoot monitoring programs; Park security costs shifted from human personnel to super-race of blood thirsty cyborg-grizzlies.

Actual cuts: Temporary suspension of “adopt a pinecone” program.

Department of Defense

Threatened Cuts: Naval carrier group fails to deploy to Middle East; Cavalry returns to horseback; Two corners of Pentagon converted to Burlington Coat Factory outlet.

Actual Cuts: Third chair French horn cut from army band.

Department of Transportation

Threatened Cuts: Widespread air traffic delays; Passengers forced to shovel coal for rail travel; detonation of portions of Interstate Highway System.

Actual Cuts: Roadside call boxes no longer equipped to handle party lines.

Department of Housing and Urban Development

Threatened Cuts: Widespread evictions from public-sector housing; All Americans converted to adjustable-rate mortgage; Cessation of indoor plumbing.

Actual Cuts: Recipients of FHA loans no longer eligible to keep pens they sign contract with.

Department of Energy

Threatened Cuts: Lack of regulatory enforcement for petroleum refineries; Nuclear waste now disposed of at locations throughout Disneyland; Forcible conversion from automobile fleet to rickshaws.

Actual Cuts: Gas station water for cleaning windows now changed out only twice daily.

Department of Agriculture

Threatened Cuts: Lack of meat inspection; Livestock slaughter now conducted with can openers; Otter approved as substitute for hamburger meat.

Actual Cuts: Termination of Mrs. Obama’s “Got Arugula?” promotional campaign.

Department of Commerce

Threatened Cuts: Severe reduction in small business grants; Nationwide reduction in enforcement of “no shoes, no shirt, no service” policy; Cash register to be replaced by abacus as primary means of calculating transactions.

Actual Cuts: “Three-Martini Lunch” policy scaled back to “Two and a Half-Martini Lunch” policy.

Department of Labor

Threatened Cuts: Reduced monitoring of worker health & safety; Elimination of employee bathroom breaks; Reintroduction of indentured servitude.

Actual Cuts: Workplace safety posters now available in Esperanto only upon request.

Department of Veterans Affairs

Threatened Cuts: Rise in medical costs for veterans; VA facilities to be rented out on weekend for timeshare presentations; Veterans encouraged to melt down medals in preparation for coming zombie apocalypse.

Actual Cuts: VA gift shop no longer carrying customizable epaulets.

Department of Homeland Security

Threatened cuts: Reductions in border security; TSA agents now reusing rubber gloves; no-fly list converted to read simply “Dave.”

Actual Cuts: Secretary Napolitano now required to finance motorcycle club dues out of pocket.