|Scenes from the Biden Administration [Satire]|
By Troy Senik
Wednesday, September 18 2013
October 10, 2016 – In the first debate of the 2016 presidential election, Democratic nominee Joseph Biden takes to the stage at Fordham University in New York City to debate Republican nominee Chris Christie.
Initially facing long odds against prohibitive favorite Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination, the incumbent Vice President won his party’s nod after a YouTube clip of Mrs. Clinton’s husband making a drunken pass at Daisy Duck during a campaign event at Disneyland went viral.
With outgoing President Barack Obama having claimed that his Administration’s foreign policy “pivot” to the Pacific world necessitated establishing a Western White House at Pebble Peach for the final two years of his tenure, the Democratic Party is in foul odor.
Biden is widely seen as an underdog until the evening of the debate, when Christie, overconfident in his lead, insists on answering every prompt in the form of a Bruce Springsteen lyric and responds to an audience question from an eight-year-old girl by berating her intelligence and proudly telling her, “You’ve just been Christied!”
Media coverage of Christie’s missteps is so ubiquitous that the press mostly leaves unmentioned Biden’s debate claim that he personally dispatched Osama Bin Laden with a machete and piano wire, as well as his insistence that he is “not familiar with this Barack Obama character.”
November 8, 2016 – With Christie’s debate gaffe having done him in, Biden is elected with a slim majority of the Electoral College, celebrating in Wilmington, Delaware with his running mate, former Vermont Governor Howard Dean.
Dean had been chosen to bridge the gap between conventional liberals and progressive secessionists intent on establishing a new nation whose constitution prohibited the consumption of genetically-modified foods. The celebration is marred by Biden’s pronouncement that America “is a classy broad and we’re going to treat her right.”
January 20, 2017 – Inauguration Day underscores the level of partisan tension in the nation when, moments before administering the oath of office to President-Elect Biden, Chief Justice John Roberts is caught on an open mic asking, “Wouldn’t it be quicker to just declare the Republic disbanded and call it a day?”
The new president delivers a 3-hour, 45-minute inaugural address that includes proposals to mandate waiting room lollipops under Obamacare, adopt a constitutional amendment giving rights of personhood to any animal species “sufficiently cute to carry a Disney feature” and tie school lunch funding to the nationwide guarantee of “Taco Tuesdays.” At the new president’s insistence, the music accompanying the event is his own cover version of Kenny Roger’s “The Gambler,” which he stitched together on his MacBook during lulls in national security briefings.
February 6, 2017 – Not realizing that the broadcast feed has gone live, President Biden spends the opening five minutes of his first Oval Office address to the nation playing “Angry Birds” and repeatedly suggesting that the game’s creators should be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
November 8, 2017 – White House Press Secretary Van Jones notes that the President will become more discreet in his use of free time after several Washington tourists complain about a shirtless Biden tossing empty beer bottles off of the roof of the White House.
March 8, 2018 – In what will prove to be the singular accomplishment of his presidency, President Biden signs a bill enacting a value-added tax, all receipts from which are allocated to Amtrak service between Washington, D.C., and Wilmington, Delaware.
January 12, 2019 – After two years of Biden’s leadership, a record number of Republicans are sworn into the new Congress. Despondent over his failures, Biden hopes that attendance at the groundbreaking ceremony for Barack Obama’s Chicago presidential library will lift his spirits. This turns out not to be the case when his trip to the Windy City reveals that the library is actually located in Hawaii.
December 17, 2019 – Having been rendered totally ineffective in office – and entertaining several lucrative offers from reality-show producers – President Biden decides to resign from office. His decision to make the announcement from the Oval Office in a style imitating the poetry of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” is widely criticized, particularly after a too-generous helping of eggnog leads to several rhymes inappropriate for a family audience.
The following morning, Marine One lifts President and Mrs. Biden above the South Lawn, en route to Andrews Air Force Base, from which Air Force One will return them to Delaware. As the presidential helicopter soars just out of sight, the audience on the ground can faintly make out the image of a ruddy-chested Biden leaning out the side. Moments later, an empty beer bottle lands on the national mall.
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