By Troy Senik
Thursday, January 22 2015 |
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[J]ust in case you find yourself buttonholed about the speech at a party this weekend (in which case your first step should be to find a new party), here’s a quick cheat sheet to some of the proposals the President issued during the speech...
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| Ok, admit it: You might not have found the time. It was a weeknight after all, and there were dinners to be made and kids to put to bed. And yeah, you could have DVRed it, but were you really going to choose an hour’s worth of political bromides over a new episode of Game of Thrones? And you know it’s sort of a civic duty, but if you had to hear that voice droning on one more time…
So, yeah, you probably didn’t get around to this year’s State of the Union, President Obama’s next-to-last indulgence in America’s most oddly monarchical political tradition. As with most years, you didn’t miss much. But just in case you find yourself buttonholed about the speech at a party this weekend (in which case your first step should be to find a new party), here’s a quick cheat sheet to some of the proposals the President issued during the speech:
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Announced plans to declare Vice President Biden a federal disaster area and dispatch all necessary FEMA resources.
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Federal government will now pay for the first two years of community college as a way to ease the transition from high school to food stamps.
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ObamaCare coverage mandates expanded to include an annual makeover and spa weekend.
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Amidst growing concerns about marijuana legalization, President offers “Choom Gang Select” designation for “really good bud.” Vice President Biden actually seen lighting a joint during this section of the speech.
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New Common Core math requirements will be written in such a way as to make it seem like the stimulus actually worked.
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As an efficiency measure, will forego fiddling with tax rates and just let roving proletariat mobs sack the houses of the 1%.
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Funding for new national infrastructure projects will guarantee at least one Chuck E. Cheese’s for every 50 miles of interstate highway (note: Joe Biden was especially worked up during this portion of the speech. This passage seemed to be handwritten in crayon over Obama’s prepared text in a script bearing a striking resemblance to the Vice President’s).
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War with ISIS will continue to be conducted primarily on Pentagon stationary, still has nothing to do with Islam.
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On alternating Thursdays, First Lady is now authorized to conduct randomized inspections of Americas’ pantries. In a variation on prima nocta, she is entitled to have the first crack at any Mallomars that turn up.
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New EPA emissions guidelines to outlaw, for all practical purposes, any car that “doesn’t make you feel like a chick.”
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On a fact-finding mission for the Department of the Interior, President Obama plans to inspect golf courses throughout the country to determine whether they deserve designation as Historic Properties.
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White House to push funding for rural broadband efforts so that “all Americans can be disappointed with the performance of HealthCare.gov at lighting-fast speeds.”
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Eric Holder to spend final months in office on speaking tour accusing country that elevated him to Attorney General of deep-seated racism.
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Obama to announce by next year’s State of the Union whether he will choose not to enforce presidential term limits as a matter of prosecutorial discretion.
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