Not to be outdone, Al Gore threw in Fox News, the Washington Times and others in his version of a "fifth column" conservative media effort to destroy all liberal politicians good and true. Sally Forth the Candidates
(Sashay to the Left)

Here they come, tumbling and stumbling out of the chute. Only one month after the midterm elections of 2002, several of which are not yet over, 23 months before the national elections of 2004, the presidential wannabes emerge, strutting their stuff like beauty contestants, craving money, affection, more money please and respect.

There was old Tom Daschle, probably not the stupidest politician walking the earth, but trying to play the role on TV. Presumably wearing a talk-radio proof vest with bodyguards discreetly out of camera range, Daschle must have decided on a campaign of weird bank shots, running as a victim of Generalissimo Limbaugh's hoards of SUV-crazed marauders instead of against other candidates.

Triangulating politics, entertainment and violence into paranoid delusion, Daschle is yet to divulge how Limbaugh's coded messages to his minions are secretly transmitted over his syndicated radio broadcast, the audience for which Daschle undoubtedly has increased by millions.

Not to be outdone, Al Gore threw in Fox News, the Washington Times and others in his version of a "fifth column" conservative media effort to destroy all liberal politicians good and true. Yeah, that'll work well, particularly considering that Gore talking with no editorial commentary whatsoever is not what most Americans want to hear over dinner.

You wonder about the immense popularity of reality television? Don't. As a people, we love TV almost as much as life itself, and we'd a lot rather watch real doofuses doing anything than politicians seeking relevancy.

Gore, who couldn't get elected president, can't even sell a book, and he tried two at once to better his chances. Perhaps, instead of asking "what would Jesus do" so often, some of us should ask what we can do to get Al Gore to leave us alone.

Just to help young voters better understand the foreplay of politics, we should point out that Howard Dean, former Governor of Vermont, who has announced, and John Edwards, current U.S. Senator from North Carolina, who hasn't yet, aren't really running for president. They're just running for the love of strangers. If they get enough, maybe somebody else will pick them for a losing team or they'll get a leg up for next time. The rule is nowhere written, but presidential politics seems to require bit players, just like real life in the movies.

John Kerry, he of the chiseled jaw and superchic coif, may be a better candidate for Mount Rushmore than president. Thus far, he has brought forth a campaign of forceful straddle. As in the past (circa Vietnam), he has signed on for a war, the conduct of which he will criticize with abandon.

He's for the death penalty, selectively only against terrorists, but believes the ogre who merely murdered your wife, burned down your farm and sold your children into slavery is best punished by a ticket to the hoosegow.

As with all liberals, especially those who have so much money that even knowing where it all is requires trackers, John Kerry loves taxes. He just can't say that, for the moment. So, echoing others, he's for stopping the Bush tax cuts pipelining their way through the system, characterizing those as "for the wealthy" (who, of course, pay most taxes in the first place). Kerry, instead, proposes a payroll tax reduction, which would benefit "the middle class and average worker."

We could point out that payroll taxes fund social security, but you know that and so does Senator Kerry, and all this is for now rhetoric and positioning--the forceful straddle of political babble.

For many people, it might be enough to know that for purposes of voting in the U.S. Senate, Kerry and Ted Kennedy are political Siamese twins. That's what we call a record, not something liberals running for national office like voters to focus on. We tend to believe that what one has done is more indicative of what one actually will do than what one says one will do.

Other gentlemen and perhaps even a lady of the left will soon be joining the aforementioned to compete for your love. Don't swoon too soon.

December 6, 2002
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