|
On Wednesday, newly minted White House Press Secretary Jay Carney created a small stir amongst the press corps when he told reporters that President Obama’s silence on the chaos in Libya – by then taking place for over a week – was the function of a scheduling conflict. Though journalists were incredulous that the President’s schedule was so hectic as to prevent weighing in on a matter of grave international significance, the White House later attempted to justify the claim by releasing the details of Obama’s schedule for the prior week. As part of CFIF’s attempt to bring you news straight from the source, we present the following excerpts from the official White House schedule:
Monday, 9:36 AM – POTUS [President of the United States] meets with economic team, takes what are believed to be extensive notes on the discussion. Upon clearing Oval Office desk, WH Staff Secretary notes that notes are actually an outline for POTUS’s third book.
Monday, 4:55 PM — POTUS attempts to register 550 pre-paid cell phones with Gallup polling company.
Tuesday, 10:00 AM — POTUS meets with speechwriting team, requests less usage of "words that actually mean something."
Tuesday 11:00 PM — POTUS, in private office, plays TiVoed version of 2004 Democratic Convention Speech, re-watches four times.
Wednesday, 11:06 AM — National Security Council meets with POTUS in Oval Office to discuss response to Libya. Upon hearing of a popular uprising against an authoritarian leader in North Africa, POTUS responds "Guys, I’m pretty sure we handled this last week," instructs staff to unmute ESPN on way out.
Wednesday, 6:30 PM — POTUS, having procrastinated, draws up federal budget on back of a cocktail napkin. POTUS continues inserting zeroes until he runs out of space.
Thursday, 9:00 AM — POTUS scheduled for meeting with SOS Hillary Clinton. Instructs WH staff to turn out all the lights and pretend that nobody’s home when she rings the doorbell.
Thursday, 6:15 PM — POTUS in the residence with Sasha and Malia, hand-applying glitter to signs for Wisconsin union protesters.
Friday, 8:30 AM — POTUS places personal call to CEO of Staples requesting that the company dramatically increase production of red ink.
Friday, Noon — POTUS declares his workweek finished, citing solidarity with union movement.
Saturday, 1:45 AM — POTUS visits Prince George’s County, Maryland Sheriff’s office to post bail for VPOTUS Biden. POTUS explains to VPOTUS on the car ride back that cow-tipping is not considered agricultural policy.
Saturday, 2:00 PM — POTUS reviews draft of remarks commemorating Presidents’ Day. Inserts line reading “But perhaps Lincoln’s greatest accomplishment was foreshadowing my own career.”
Sunday, 6:30 PM — POTUS spends 30 minutes trying to convince WH telephone technicians to install censoring technology in anticipation of congratulatory phone call to Rahm Emanuel later in the week.
Sunday, 9:00 PM — POTUS searches the phrase “free enterprise” on Wikipedia. POTUS is surprised to learn that the use of the word “free” does not denote a federal subsidy.
Monday, 6:30 AM — POTUS awakens in residence, greets FLOTUS Michelle Obama with “Good morning, beautiful.” The line is displayed on a teleprompter at the foot of POTUS’s bed. |
