|Obama NSA Files Revealed [Satire]|
By Troy Senik
Thursday, June 20 2013
After pledging a new era of transparency, the Obama Administration has been rocked by a string of scandals involving government secrecy and malfeasance, with the most recent being the revelation that the National Security Agency has been collecting information on the telephone calls and Internet usage of private citizens. In order to live up to its promises of openness and demonstrate its allegiance to the rule of law, the Administration has now made public some of those records, which trace communications from within the White House.
Content: Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta phones President Barack Obama to inform him of attack on U.S. facility in Benghazi. POTUS indicates concern and asks to remain updated. SecDef is forced to repeat several key details and notes that POTUS seems distracted. POTUS responds that he is constructing fantasy basketball team and asks SecDef if he wants in. SecDef politely declines and pledges to continue delivering updates. POTUS lets him know there’s a good chance those updates will go to voice mail.
Content: Vice President Joseph Biden places 17 consecutive phone calls to Washington D.C. country music station WMZQ attempting to be the 98th caller and win Taylor Swift concert tickets. Line surveillance reveals increasingly heated profanity with every failed attempt.
Content: Laptop computer in White House residence enters Google search: “mechanisms to cope with your Secretary of State’s husband.” No results found.
Content: POTUS places call to Attorney General Eric Holder. POTUS leads conversation on DOJ prosecutorial priorities for the year. AG Holder interrupts conversation to inform POTUS that Fox News reporter James Rosen has just purchased “Game of Thrones” DVD on Amazon.
Content: White House Counsel Kathryn Ruemmler phones POTUS to inform him of news that the Internal Revenue service is inappropriately harassing conservative non-profit organizations. Upon hearing the news, POTUS immediately adopts a heavy accent, claims not to speak English, and slams down the phone
Content: Desktop computer from Vice President’s personal office visits Ask Jeeves, enters query: “Does the Constitution give the President authority to set the Vice President’s bedtime?” Query is blocked by internal filter, which displays message, “Joe, get your pajamas on.”
Content: Gene Sperling, Director of the National Economic Council, calls the president for regular update on future economic projections. POTUS inquires as to prospects for future growth. Sperling hesitates and fails to give definitive answer. POTUS presses further. Sperling responds that, based on his economic calculations, only the First Lady’s gardening habit will ensure that the First Family has enough calories to outrun packs of wolves that will overtake Washington D.C. within the next three years.
Content: White House Press Secretary Jay Carney informs POTUS that UK Guardian is about to release story detailing surveillance practices of National Security Agency. Carney and POTUS both appear anxious, but conversation is repeatedly interrupted by inquiry, “What’s that clicking noise on the line?”
Content: In brief phone call, unidentified male phones POTUS, says “Not as easy as it looks, is it jackass?” and hangs up.
Content: Laptop computer in White House residence enters Google search: “federal pension, early retirement.” Followed by Google search: “Hawaii real estate + golf course.”
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