Attendance at the new library is expected to be strong in its opening days, driven primarily by the curiosity factor and the facility’s high stakes poker lounge.

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July 8, 2027

ATLANTIC CITY — In front of a crowd of thousands, former President Donald Trump unveiled his presidential library, casino and all-you-can-eat buffet this afternoon in the New Jersey city that he once attempted to make the nation’s capital.

The event marked the first time in American history that six presidents had shared the stage, with Trump joined by his predecessors Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, Barack Obama and the technically dead Jimmy Carter, as well as by sitting President Alan Grayson.

The library, originally scheduled to open last year, has been consistently beset by construction delays, cost overruns and allegations that its financial backing was largely drawn from funds laundered out of a Romanian cockfighting ring.

Controversy also attended the famously thin Trump archives, with most of the former commander-in-chief’s presidential papers having been destroyed when he set them on fire during a nationally televised press conference on the White House’s South Lawn in response to a congressional subpoena.

The event marked the first time since the end of Trump’s presidency that most of the major figures from his administration have gathered together in one place.

Trump alumni in attendance included former Vice President Jesse Ventura, former Treasury Secretary Wesley Snipes and former Secretary of Defense Dog the Bounty Hunter. In addition, all three of the first ladies from Trump’s tenure were in attendance, although former First Lady Lindsay Lohan had to be removed by security midway through the proceedings.

The event took place as historians and the public — now two-and-a-half years removed from Trump’s tenure in the White House — have begun to reassess the tenure of the nation’s 45th president.

While some of his policies remain wildly unpopular — his second-term decision to launch a tactical nuclear strike on Cleveland because “it didn’t have enough sizzle and was hurting our brand” continues to poll negatively — others have won greater approval over the years. Though widely derided by conservationists at the time, for instance, his insistence that every national park add a burlesque theater has led to the first operating surplus in the history of the Department of the Interior.

Though now 81 years old and, according to doctors, “no longer biologically distinguishable as a human being,” Trump still brought his trademark sense of showmanship to the museum’s opening.

The festivities included a performance by the genderless being referred to as XLOG!!43 (formerly Lady Gaga), an elaborate fireworks display, and — reviving a custom from his White House days — the public execution of a former Celebrity Apprentice cast member without a proper trial.

Trump’s remarks at the event were in keeping with the rhetorical style that became familiar to the nation throughout his tenure in Washington.

“I was an excellent president,” Trump noted, adding “I only wish George Washington and Abraham Lincoln were still alive so that they could be ashamed of how much better than them I was.”

Trump, who has a famously frosty relationship with his successor, mostly avoided references to President Grayson, though he did note that, “I know times change. My days in the spotlight are over. America decided it wanted a fat pig as president. I get it. It’s gross, but I get it.”

Attendance at the new library is expected to be strong in its opening days, driven primarily by the curiosity factor and the facility’s high stakes poker lounge. Whether that can endure into the future, however, is an open question.

David Velma, a presidential historian at Temple University, worries that the library’s exhibit will prove to have weak staying power. “I don’t know that an exhibit in which Mr. Trump explains, one-by-one, why each of his predecessors was ‘a low-class chump’ is going to be something that draws people back as the years pass,” Velma noted.

The Trump Library will open to the public beginning next week. Admission is $125 per head, although the library’s public relations department was insistent we note that includes two drink tickets.