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President Barack Obama’s Address before a Joint Session of the Congress on the State of the Union
January 27, 2010

Madame Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, distinguished guests, my fellow Americans:

One year has passed since my inaugural address to the nation.  It was a great day.  Bono was there, which was really cool.  The Boss traveled down from New Jersey.  Even the best and the brightest from Hollywood showed up and applauded endlessly during my soaring rhetoric and inspired melodies. 

One day when historians look back, they’ll call it the greatest moment in my presidency.  But that was just the beginning.  I had new mountains to climb, new obstacles to hurdle and more enemies to scorn.  I’m lookin’ at you, Scott Brown.

As I stand before you tonight, however, reverence demands that I address the state of our Union.  Inspired by our forefathers and the Almighty Himself, I can declare without hesitation or equivocation that the state of our Union … is … well, it could be worse. 

Since my predecessors spent considerable time at this rostrum reciting endless facts about the state of our economy, I shall endeavor to do the same, albeit with that rhetorical flourish that no mortal can imitate.

According to my closest adviser Rahm Emanuel, our economy still exists, and that’s something that all Americans, in Red America or Blue America, can be proud of.  Let’s review some of the numbers.  For those of you itching for a drink, now would be a good time to leave the living room and grab one, maybe two.

When I entered office a little more than a year ago, 13 million Americans were unemployed.  As of right now, there are only 14.7 million people on the dole.  This is yet another statistical indictment of my predecessor’s economic policies.  If he had only pushed for more pork-barrel spending in zip codes that don’t exist, the number of unemployed would be nil; I’m confident of that.  

To address the staggering number of unemployed Americans left by the previous administration of Republicans, I call on Congress to do three things.  Let’s call my three-point plan the Holy Trinity of economic recovery.  With this plan we cannot fail, but make no mistake my fellow Americans, without my plan the nation faces certain economic Armageddon.  We either pass the Holy Trinity or it’s cat food for dinner. 

First up, taxes.  They’re going to have to go up.  I know, I know.  I promised I wouldn’t raise taxes of any kind on families making less than $250,000 per year.  But as Speaker Pelosi stated recently, I “promised a lot of things during the campaign.” 

In order to achieve the kind of lasting economic prosperity that Europeans enjoy, we must raise income taxes, sin taxes, capital gains taxes, death taxes and dividend taxes.  I know many of you have no clue what dividend taxes are … and that’s a good thing.  Whatever you do, don’t listen to the “experts,” especially if they are on Fox News.  Trust me when I say that dividend taxes only affect the richest and most reviled one percent of America.

In addition, as a nation we must be honest with ourselves and evaluate our spending priorities objectively.  We all know the deficit started under President Reagan and was only exacerbated during the Bush Administration. 

Tonight, I pledge to you, the American people, that my tax hikes and my economic plan will increase President Bush’s national debt.  If you’d be so kind as to give me twelve to sixteen years in office, I might be able to trim the federal debt, but only if you allow me to disband Congress.  From many opinion polls I’ve seen, this is a popular idea, and I pledge to you that I’ll look into it.  As a former constitutional law professor, I don’t think I can do that by Executive Order, but there must be some other way, like slipping it into a bill no one reads.

Let me address the second plank of my economic plan.  War.  Though the U.S. is currently engaged in two theatres abroad, and our brave men and women in uniform are fighting and dying overseas in the War on Terror, I propose another war, a war to end all wars, for peace not just in our time, but for all time.  I pledge to fight a war against carbon dioxide. 

Now, for my political opponents out there, I realize that Vice President Biden and I expend a great deal of carbon dioxide during our speeches.  While I can’t pledge to prevent the infamous verbal gaffes of our Vice President, I can pledge to keep him in a below-ground carbon sequestration storage unit whenever important political issues are being debated.

To achieve my CO2 reduction goals, we must first allow the federal government to regulate all aspects of energy consumption in the U.S.  Your light bulbs, your vacuum cleaners, your cars, your windows, your insulation and even your lectures to children will be regulated by my newest energy czar.  These new regulations will end our dependence on foreign oil, allow Washington to control virtually every aspect of your life, and maybe even boost my poll numbers.  It’s a win-win for everyone except taxpayers and consumers. 

Finally, America, in order to get this nation back to work, we’ve got to get Congress back to work.  The $4 trillion spent last year wasn’t enough to jump start the economy because of my Republican predecessor.  Tonight I call on Congress to pass a real stimulus bill that spends at least another $1 trillion.  I know we don’t have it in the bank right now but I have assured China and Japan that we’re good for it. 

Now, Members of Congress, it’s up to you to dole out borrowed money to politically favored interests who will eventually enrich our campaign coffers.  The Bill, H.R. 5247, is entitled HOPE ME (Hurried Obstinate Politicians Expend Money Extravagantly).

I’m not up for re-coronation until 2012 but I understand there are a few Democrats out there who could use some walkin’ around money … and this bill will achieve that end.  Americans will prosper; Democrats will prosper; and, God willing, my poll numbers will prosper.

So tonight, with confidence in my extraordinary talent as a human being and my supreme faith in Congress, I call on government to lift this nation from the nadir of our Republican-led crisis.  If we can summon the enduring spirit of a bureaucracy that never quits, then one day we can tell our children about our nation’s greatest President, me, and how he led this nation from the depths of despair to the heights of Keynesian salvation.

Thank you, God Bless you, and may God Bless the intriguing process known as budget reconciliation.

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