The following document, a lost original draft of President Obama’s August 31 speech to the nation on the war in Iraq, was produced by inside sources close to the White House. As the contents of the document do not jeopardize any vital national security interests, it is expected that the leakers will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

President’s Address to the Nation – August 31, 2010
Draft # 1
 
Good evening, my fellow Americans. I speak to you tonight from a newly refurbished Oval Office. During our 10-day vacation in Martha's Vineyard, Michelle reminded me that I often don't do enough for myself. So I took her advice, partially because after 18 years of marriage I have learned to trust her unquestioningly, and partially because the woman's capacity for sheer physical violence is a source of incapacitating fear in me.
 
The result is what you see before you tonight. This beautiful redesign is anchored by our new rug, which features quotes from many great Americans. Of course, I am conscious that there is no room for extravagance in this time of economic hardship. Even the federal government has cut corners. Thus, we’ve truncated a quote of Abraham Lincoln’s, rendering it essentially meaningless. Our proposal to include a lyric from Jay-Z's "99 Problems" was shelved entirely. And in a sign of respect for the sacredness of this space, neither Bo nor the Vice President will be allowed on the rug until they are effectively housebroken.
 
Our early research indicates that this new look polls well in blue states. In many red states, however, we find that many voters get bitter and cling to IKEA designs to explain their frustrations with the makeover.
 
Anyway, I'm told that my remarks this evening are to focus on Iraq. My staff informs me that Iraq is a Middle Eastern nation where the United States has been at war since 2003. These facts were not included in the bullet points sent over by the Center for American Progress, but I have no reason to doubt my aides, apart from the guy who played Kumar.
 
Tonight, I am proud to note that the American combat presence in Iraq is coming to a close. The sounds of gunfire have gone quiet, and by the time they resume we will be far enough away so as not to hear them. This drawdown will allow us to refocus on the real threat of terrorism in Afghanistan, where there are still enough Al-Qaeda members to form a pick-up basketball team. Those radicals should make no mistake – we have them in our sights. This is a game of H-O-R-S-E that we will not lose.
 
As we face forward, however, we can look back on what we have accomplished in Iraq over the past seven years. Earlier today, I spoke with former President George W. Bush. I called collect. Though it was hard to hear the former president over the sound of a chainsaw, I expressed my gratitude to him for championing the bold policy of "the surge" at a time when a similar stance would have cost me the Democratic nomination for president. And I made him an unwavering promise: that someday my memoirs will create enough ambiguity on my true views of the surge to give the impression that I may have been for it. In reality, I will only have acknowledged that the motives of the surge's proponents stopped somewhere short of genocide. People will take this as a moral compliment. What can I say? I have a gift.
 
We should not, however, expect to see an Iraq transformed overnight. The task of democracy is one that requires patient and dedicated action. Because we chose to give Iraq a parliamentary system on the European model, we won't know that their efforts at self-government are successful until witty Englishmen can regularly be heard shouting each other down in Baghdad’s halls of power. This is not my judgment; it is C-SPAN's. I know this because C-SPAN is now on the channel formerly inhabited by ESPN on the White House's cable.
 
Other vexing problems remain. Violence is still a major threat to Iraq's future. But as my administration begins Middle East peace talks this week, that threat should abate. For as many of our leading foreign policy experts have told us, we can't expect harmony in the Middle East at a time when the United States stops short of telling Israelis where they can build condos.
 
Iraq also suffers from crippling infrastructure problems, such as a lack of basic electricity at a time of 120 degree heat. This is another challenge that my Administration is tackling head on. As we speak, I've dispatched the head of NASA to the region to assure the locals that Thomas Edison had a second cousin who was one-quarter Jordanian.
 
Of course, as this war winds down, Americans are still left with one overwhelming concern: what about the dire state of our economy. To that I have only one thing to say [President jangles car keys] LOOK OVER HERE! WHAT ARE THOSE? YOU WANT THEM? YOU WANT THEM?
 
That concludes my remarks for the evening. But that only begins our great national conversation. E-mail your comments to unwashedmassesgriping[at]whitehouse[dot]gov to share your thoughts about tonight's speech. And please ignore the out-of-office auto response. After all, Pebble Beach isn't going to play itself. Good night and God bless you.