By Troy Senik
Thursday, January 20 2011 |
|
On Tuesday, President Obama makes the long journey to the other end of Pennsylvania Avenue for his annual State of the Union address. With the President trying to find his political footing after a sharp rejection in the midterm elections, economic worries still on the nation’s mind and the specter of the 2012 presidential election lingering in the distance, the evening will present a sterling opportunity for the Commander-in-Chief to turn over a new leaf.
With Washington atwitter over what he will say, inside sources in the White House speechwriting office have begun leaking hints as to the shape of Obama’s remarks. Based on the anonymous tips of those senior staffers, we can now present a list of 10 statements we have been assured will not appear in this year’s State of the Union:
-
“This is a time of change in Washington. But as someone who pursued this office on the basis of change, I am hopeful that this new era can be productive. I look forward to working with Speaker John Boehner, a man who traces his origins to humble Midwestern roots. I also look forward to working with Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, who traces her origins to the planet Zeptphar in the year 2341, when she was placed in a cryogenic capsule, sent to earth through a wormhole and told to await further instructions.”
-
“I know that many of you don’t believe that we can put party politics aside in this era of the permanent campaign. But I do not stand before you tonight to announce my candidacy for the presidency in 2012. Instead, I stand before you to announce my candidacy for the 2013 NBA draft.”
-
“Though we are a strong nation, that does not mean that we can wall ourselves off from the threats we face abroad. Our enemies are fueled by discredited ideologies, emboldened by powerful technologies and benumbed to basic values like women’s rights. But enough about Julian Assange.”
-
“I come here tonight in a spirit of cooperation. Our federal government is more than just the White House or Capitol Hill. Indeed, it is strongest when we work together for a common purpose. So I address all of you tonight as equals – with the exception of Congressman Joe Wilson, who has been placed in a Hannibal Lecter-like restraint at my request.”
-
“I also want to call your attention tonight to the fabulous First Lady of the United States, Michelle Obama. Michelle has been an integral part of my Administration’s efforts to improve public health. And through her work, we are confident that no American child will remember what a Hostess cupcake tastes like by the year 2015.”
-
“You’ll have to excuse the Vice President. He got into the Jagermeister at the reception earlier tonight. No matter what he tells you, he has not been asked to head a ‘Presidential Commission on Feeling Groovy.’”
-
[Announcement from the House Sergeant at Arms] – “Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States … will be portrayed tonight by Cleveland Cavaliers announcer Ted Williams.”
-
“The American people can be proud of the unique individuals who are currently leading our nation. Eric Holder is the only African-American ever to hold the office of Attorney General. Janet Napolitano is the only woman ever to hold the title of Secretary of Homeland Security. And Hillary Clinton is the only member of the Democratic Party who hasn’t spent the last year longing for Bill Clinton.”
-
“I know that health care reform remains deeply divisive and that the issue may eventually find itself before the Supreme Court. But under any reasonable interpretation of the Constitution, our actions have been entirely legal … wait a minute, did Sam Alito just mouth something?”
-
“The batteries seem to be getting low in the teleprompter. Are you all free to try this again at the same time next week?”
|
