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| Problems at the Obama Library [Satire] |
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By Troy Senik
Thursday, February 20 2014 |
Barack Obama Presidential Center Dear Supporter ~ We are pleased to announce that work is now underway in Chicago on the Barack Obama Presidential Library and Museum, an institution that will prove to be a stirring testimony to the legacy of our 44th President. As you know, we are reliant on your financial support for both the construction of the library and the erection of the adjoining Saul Alinsky Center for Public Policy and the Eradication of False Consciousness. Because of your generous support, we are excited to give you a sneak peek at some of the library’s most impressive features. In addition to President Obama’s papers, our museum collection will also include the deck of cards President Obama courageously played with during the raid that killed Osama Bin Laden, remnants of the finest automobiles destroyed by the “cash for clunkers” program, and Secretary of State John Kerry’s original chin. As many of you know, the Lyndon Johnson Presidential Library in Texas has a display showcasing the hundreds of pens President Johnson used to sign bills into law throughout the course of his presidency. We are planning a similar display that will showcase all of the pens President Obama used to authorize, delay, rescind, alter, or delay again various aspects of Obamacare. Of course, the Library will not just be about the President — it will also be about the city of Chicago itself. We’ll have an onsite eatery — “The White House Mess” — that will feature Windy City staples like deep-dish pizza and Italian beef sandwiches. We’ll allow visitors to recreate their favorite mug shots of Illinois governors. And, to keep the experience authentic, one of out every 12 visitors to the Library will be a victim of gun violence. City of the Big Shoulders and all that. We hope you’ll mark your calendar for the Spring of 2020 and plan to join us for the ceremony. And, in the meantime, we’ll ask for your continued financial support so that we can remind future generations what “Hope and Change” was all about. Sincerely,
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Barack Obama Presidential Center Dear Supporter ~ President Obama may have left the White House behind, but that doesn’t mean that we’ve forgotten him — and not just because he’s been doing a nightly show for MSNBC since three months before the end of his Administration. As we’ve told you in the past, we’re depending on your generous financial support to make the Obama Presidential Library the finest in the nation. While we’ve made good progress, a number of factors have led us to increase our estimation of the funds that will be needed to complete the project. Because we consider you a partner in this endeavor, we figured we’d share those factors with you: — We recently learned that the Library will be responsible for covering health insurance costs for its employees. We previously believed this had been handled through a waiver exempting the Library from the requirement. Upon investigation, however, that order was apparently entrusted to Vice President Biden for transmission. As best we can tell, he ate it. — At Mrs. Obama’s insistence, we’ve overhauled the menu at “The White House Mess”, which will now focus primarily on couscous and quinoa. Because all ingredients will be sourced from fair trade, conflict-free, organic establishments that fertilize their crops with the night soil of alpacas, we’re anticipating higher prices, lower demand, and the need to fund an onsite center for the treatment of E. coli. — In order to minimize our carbon footprint, we have invested heavily in making the Obama Center as green as possible. While we are proud of our sustainability team, many of whom are former employees of Solyndra, we have met with some challenges along the way. At present, despite a $3 million expenditure, this group has yet to discover a workable technology to light the building. When we suggested conventional light bulbs, they insisted they were unfamiliar with the technology. Also, their plan to harness wind power has thus far taken the shape of a single oscillating fan purchased at a Walgreens. — As you know, President Obama is committed to making sure that the Center has world-class facilities available for future conferences and symposia. The specifics of this vision — namely the regulation NBA basketball court, complete with Marv Albert on standby to call pickup games — have led to unforeseen cost overruns. We know you’re as committed as we are to making the Obama Library a reality. Please give generously. We still have faith in “Hope and Change. Sincerely,
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Barack Obama Presidential Center Dear Supporter ~ It is with much sadness that we inform you that plans for the Barack Obama Presidential Library and Museum to open in Chicago in 2020 have been abandoned. Rather than a brick-and-mortar location, we will create a virtual library that will be available online. We will confess that we were unprepared for how difficult it has become to open a new institution in the current environment. The cost of health care for employees — especially given the executive order that the president issued shortly before leaving office, requiring all employers to cover the cost of three macrobiotic meals a day — represents a heavy financial burden. When added to the fact that the city of Chicago has now mandated a $30 per hour minimum wage, it made it impossible to staff the Library at a reasonable cost. In addition, the actual construction of the facility proved more costly than we expected, especially because the requisite environmental impact study that was a precondition of construction determined that — for the facility to meet appropriate standards of sustainable development — it would have to be built as a wigwam. We don’t mean to shift all the blame onto others. We take full responsibility for some of the cost overruns, including the 8,000 square foot pied-a-terre that was to be erected on the grounds for Valeria Jarrett, a project that was too expensive even before we factored in the cost of the throne of skulls. We regret having had to make this decision, but hope that you will join us for the virtual opening of the presidential library, which will feature not only extensive archives of President Obama’s time in office but also exclusive behind-the-scenes footage of his new E! series “Keeping Up with the Obamas.” Sincerely, P.S. “Hope and Change” is dead |
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